jokes stories

Best Dog Jokes and Funny Dog Stories

In the evening, two dog owners meet on a narrow path. One has a huge purebred shepherd on a leash, the other has something short, bow-legged, similar to a dachshund. A man with a shepherd dog arrogantly says: – My dog ​​is bigger, so you must give us the way. He objects: – And my dog ​​is angrier. We bet she’ll eat yours? – Well, we argue! The dogs were set off, and the bow-legged one ate the whole shepherd. The shocked owner asks: – Listen, man, what breed is your dog? – Yes, no. Until her tail was cut off, she was a crocodile

– Man! Where are you going! It’s a women’s toilet. Yes, even with a shepherd … – She’s my girl! He is ashamed to go to the men’s toilet …

Can a German Shepherd become a bulldog? “Maybe if you cut off her tail and stuff her face.

I will give into good hands seven puppies of a very smart, but slightly frivolous shepherd dog.

Glamorous cops wear a shepherd dog under their arm.

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A Korean border guard went on patrol with a shepherd dog and always returned without her. And the dogs are all scientists, trained. The authorities felt sorry for the dogs (the Korean ate them), and they invited a hypnotist. He began to instill in the Korean: – You are not a Korean – you are a Jew, you are not a Korean – you are a Jew … And he again returns without a shepherd. Then they decided to see what was the matter. They look: – A Korean sits, strokes a shepherd dog and says: – You are not a shepherd dog – you are a stuffed fish.

I go home in the evening, to meet – a shepherd dog with a lady. The shepherd makes a dash in my direction, the lady stops her and gives out, turning to the shepherd, the wording: – Well, what are you! You’re in a muzzle!

A huge shepherd dog pounced on a passerby. – Do not be afraid, do not be afraid, – the hostess cried, – she has already been injected against rabies.

A passer-by turns to a village dweller, at whose feet an impressive shepherd dog is perched: – Excuse me, sir, does your dog bite? – My? No. At this moment, the shepherd dog silently bites into the leg of a passer-by. – You said that she does not bite! – Who told you that this is my dog?

– Paulette! You are crazy! The husband exclaims, finding his wife making love to their German shepherd. “I must tell you,” she says, “that he has a pedigree up to the sixth generation. Whereas you didn’t even introduce your family to me.

Two friends meet, and the following dialogue takes place between them: – How are you? – Yes, my mother-in-law is completely bored, every week she comes to us and bothers, and yells … – This problem can be solved, only this must be creatively approached. For example, I made mine a gift with a surprise, and now she lives quietly at home and does not get enough of us. – Wow, what kind of gift is this? – Guard Shepherd. – And what was the surprise? – This dog is trained not to let anyone out of the house.

Owners of a shepherd dog complain to the veterinarian: – After a walk, my dog ​​wipes his ass on the carpet. Accelerates and rides from window to wall. The doctor advised putting sandpaper on the floor. The next day: – How’s the result? The doctor asks. – Well! Only ears reached the wall

– Did your shepherd graduate from service dog school? – You hurt. She teaches there.

Announcement: – For sale a German shepherd from a respectable Jewish family.

– I’m sitting reading “Your Chance” Heading For Sale, section Animals and Plants. – Cable German Shepherd is looking for a female for mating. I thought about it. Can I give an ad too? – And in which part of the female do you need to connect the cable of the German shepherd?

– I bought a Scottish Shepherd, and it scares the neighbors so much … – What, barks loudly? – She doesn’t bark at all! But this plaid skirt and bagpipes …

A huge shepherd dog pounces on a passerby. The owner of the dog shouts to a passer-by: – Don’t be afraid, she has already been injected with rabies!

There is a trucker in the parking lot, a big shaggy dog ​​comes up to him and says: – Hello colleague! Drove: – Ofigel, what kind of colleague am I? Dog: – Well, of course, you sleep in the booth, eat out of the bowl, shit under the wheel, probably there is also the owner!

Why are you black, cat? – I climbed into the chimney at night. Why are you white now? – I ate sour cream from a pot. Why did you turn gray? – The dog was throwing me in the dust. What color are you? – Yes, I don’t know that myself …

“What have you been suing for for the sixth year now? – The dispute is about the right to own a dog of a very valuable breed. The case has already cost the parties ten thousand. – Who do you think will get the dog? – Nobody. He passed away four years ago.

The frontier dog Swallow fled from the outpost to the canteen of the nearest village and announced that he intended to do an alternative service there.

Spring flood. A small piece of sushi on which a dog and a hare are sitting. And the water is getting closer and closer, just about to flood the cutter of the earth. Suddenly, a boat appeared in the distance. – Class, they will save us! – the Hare shouts. – This is Grandpa Mazai! The dog looks into the distance for a long time, and then suddenly says: – Alas, but this is not Mazai, this is Gerasim!

A German, an American, and a Russian meet at the dog race. The German says: – Before the races, my dog ​​always listens to the recordings of the military marches of the Third Reich and therefore constantly wins. American: – And my dog ​​and I always go to McDonald’s before the competition, and therefore the victory is guaranteed to us. Russian says: – Well, business! It’s all nonsense! So I pour my vodka before the start, about one hundred and fifty grams. German and American in one voice: – And what, he wins after that? – And what a fig for us ?! But at the start, he is the most fun and funny!

Peter, evening, walking the dog. The dog moves to the lawn away from the light of the lantern and diligently leaves the pile. After her, her mother comes with a newspaper to remove this heap, treads a little, and then shares the thought: “The most difficult thing in this business is to find your own …”

The car is driving along the highway. Suddenly the driver sees – a man is running along the side of the road, and behind him are three hefty dirty dogs with bared faces. Stepping right on the heels of the man Well, the driver slows down the car, opens the door, and shouts to the peasant: – If you want – sit down! – Well, thank you! And then rarely anyone agrees to give me a lift with my dogs.

The boy hugs his dog. “How bad it’s that he’s not talking, isn’t it, Mom?” – True, – said my mother and thought: “Otherwise, she — a — would tell you!”

A man wakes up in the morning with a hangover. There is an alarm in my head. In the mouth, the cats slept. With all his might shouts: – Sha-a-a-arik !!! Sha — a — a — arik !!! The dog comes running, begins to lick his face. The man breathes in the dog’s face and, with the last bit of strength: – Ball !!! Search !!!

The boy ran up to the huge dog and began stroking his lush tail. The mother shouts in fright: – What are you doing? He’ll bite you! – No, Mom, they don’t bite from this end.

– Ivan, does your dog let people close? – Sure! How else would he bite?

– What did you do on the weekend? – I walked with the dog. – Have you got a dog? – No. The wife went berserk.

Once I gave my dog ​​a beer to try. Now I wear her every day, the dog is drunk. – So don’t wear it. – Bites!

We are breaking up, but we will still communicate, okay? – Okay. Analog. “Our dog is dead, but we’ll still play with him, okay? – Okay.

The husband went on a business trip, left the dog to look after his wife. Returns and asks the dog: – Has anyone come to your wife? – Woof! – Man? – Woof! – And what did they do? – X — x — x — x. – And how long? – Y-y-y-y-y.

My dog ​​eats his own poop! – Nothing wrong. You like your own selfies.

Thanks to T9 and autocomplete, I began to wish my friends and acquaintances: sweet dogs, nice words, crushed owls, and a garbage night.

Thanks to T9 and autocomplete, I began to wish my friends and acquaintances: sweet dogs, nice words, crushed owls, and a garbage night.

A man with a dog enters the cafe and makes a bet with the visitors that his dog will now talk. But the dog is silent. The man pays the bet and goes off to the general laughter. “Because of you, I lost a lot of money! – says the owner to the dog. – Why didn’t you speak? – Freak! – the dog answers. – Just imagine how much money we will rake in tomorrow.

Are you afraid that he runs after women? – You know, my dog ​​runs after cars. But even if he catches up, he will not sit behind the wheel

You see, my dog ​​is completely lazy! – Yah? What happened? – Well, just before, to take a walk, he brought a lace, and now – the keys to the car!

After walking the dog, the husband comes home: – I don’t understand what happened to our Sharik, – he asks his wife. – All the way I was torn and barked as if I wanted to say something. The wife enters the hallway, looks at the dog and says: – He wanted to say that he is not our dog.

A little daughter is walking with her mother down the street, a bulldog is meeting them. – Mom, – says the daughter, – how he looks like Uncle Tolya. – Tc — s! Aren`t you ashamed! “Do you think the dog understands?”

They announced a boarding flight. A man with a goat is on the plane. – Why are you taking a goat with you? – says the stewardess. – It’s a dog. – What kind of dog, if he has horns ?! – And I do not climb into his personal life!

Darling, we need to drive this dog away. – What for? – He howls when I sing. – Well, you’re the first to start. Yandex.Direct

Girl, why did you call your dog Mudozvon? – And for fun. When I call him on the street, half of the men turn around!

The visitor says to the hostess with concern: – Your dog looks at me somehow unkindly. – Never mind, he always looks at the one who eats from his bowl.

– Soon the owner’s wedding, – the dog rejoices, – there will be leftovers! – Yes, yes, – the chickens sigh heavily.

The big good-natured dog licked the baby. The child got scared and cried. The mother screamed: – He bit you? – No, he tried me.

Doctor, it seems to me that I am Ivan the Terrible. – So, understandably. I will prescribe a medicine for you now. – Write, write, stinking dog.

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